Brokenness. My story as a ministerial spouse began with brokenness. Before we could even officially start our ministry, God broke my husband Tony and myself. As soon as Tony graduated from the seminary, he was interviewed by several conferences and did not
receive even a part-time offer. Every single position he applied for, whether it was to be an academy chaplain or associate pastor, would only go as far as an interview.
It was five long years of patiently waiting until my husband finally received a call to be a full-time pastor. During this embarrassing and challenging time, our brokenness taught us to depend only on God—not on a position, not on a salary or benefits, not on a conference. For about a year and a half, my husband eagerly worked as a Bible worker, while maintaining a full-time job with a communications company, because, honestly, who can survive on a part-time salary with the skyrocketing cost of living in New York City! Later on, a loving Korean Adventist church hired him to be their part-time youth pastor. When the Georgia-Cumberland Conference hired my husband as a full time pastor,
without hesitation, we packed our belongings in two weeks and relocated to the South. In hindsight, I thank God for our painful broken phase because it allowed us to become humble and Christ-centered. We learned not to be afraid and find peace under His wings.
Drastic changes
On many levels, this was a dramatic change for me. When we moved, it was the farthest I had been away from my immediate family. As a young mom, I
missed my family’s weekly visits and home-cooked meals. I was forced to learn to drive because when growing up in New York City, it was perfectly normal not to drive thanks to the many public transportation options. I also suddenly became “La Pastora”, a sweet nickname that some people called the pastor’s wife, which means “female pastor”, and expectations began to rise!
Church members began to notice and comment on what I wore, whether I greeted them or not, and if I attended all church functions or not. They also asked me to forward messages to my husband and constantly ask me if they could carry my baby, which made me uncomfortable. My life became very lonely. I did not have any friends, and if I needed to use the bathroom, I would strap my son on my back with a baby carrier, because I didn’t know the people in my church.
Coping with life
Unfortunately, while trying to juggle the expectations of others for me, my relationship with my husband became tense, and we began to have disagreements. So, we decided to seek help and met with a counselor. He helped us identify our strengths and weaknesses and gave us useful tips on
how to improve our communication. Two years later, our second child was born, and we decided to seek professional help once again. Together we went to see another counselor. She helped us set healthy boundaries for our family and cope with expectations. By communicating and setting healthy boundaries, my husband and I grew closer, and our love has reached a deeper level.
After five years in our first district, I was able to make two close friends who I trusted my children with, in case I needed help with childcare. Though I kept my parenting task as my priority during these years, I accepted being the Adventurer Club director mainly because our church could not find a director to lead the club, and I wanted my son to experience this ministry. Our church members realized and accepted the fact that I was not going to attend all church functions.
Regarding expectations, I have learned three things: 1. Whatever ministry I decide to participate in, I will do it because the Lord calls me to it, not because others pressure me to do it. It’s okay to respectfully decline an invitation, nomination to a church position, or request and not feel guilty about it. 2. It’s okay not to be okay. If I have any unresolved issues from my past, am learning how to cope with the death of a loved one, or I need to sort out my thoughts and emotions, I can seek professional help. I can see a Christian therapist or counselor who will help me deal with my feelings of uncertainty, confusion,
or turmoil I may be dealing with. 3. It doesn’t matter if I have been broken in
the past, I can remain under God’s peace as the Good Shepherd leads my life and carries me to green pastures and still waters. When my anointing and appointing do not line up, I still remain under His peace. I have understood the meaning of Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord” (KJV).
Reflection Questions
1. What expectations (spoken or unspoken) do you think are being placed on you where your spouse is currently ministering by:
a) the people that your spouse is ministering to -
b) your spouse
c) yourself
d) God
2. Describe how you are coping with personal boundaries and expectations and discuss it with your spouse.
3. Graph your sense of ministry spouse wellness 0 to 10 (0 being you are not sure you can survive another Sabbath, 10 being you love and are deeply satisfied in your role). Be honest. Why not prayerfully consider counseling or find a mentor if you score low and find yourself struggling.
Elena Sandoval, B.F.A., is happily married to Tony, and they have two lively young children who keep them very busy! She teaches Spanish at the Collegedale Academy Middle School in Collegedale, Tennessee. Elena is a trained flutist and enjoys connecting and reconnecting people to Christ.