Loneliness: Escaping the Grasp

by Ruth Boyd

I have felt that suffocating sensation trying to slip its fingers around my neck and tighten its grip on me many times. I struggle to break loose. The older I get, the sooner I recognize it’s a trap, which is helpful in breaking free of this strangling feeling: loneliness.

I remember those early days of seminary and being warned that I, the pastoral spouse, would face loneliness. “Great!” I sarcastically thought. I had emerged from years of a lonely childhood. I had been home schooled through high school, and my only playmates were my brothers, who couldn’t care less about playing dolls, house, and department store. When I got to college, the last emotion I wanted to feel again was loneliness.

Before my husband and I were even assigned our first church, I cried out to God. My request was part out of desperation and part out of fear. I asked Him to grant me friends. He has been faithful to fulfill my request. My friendships have looked very different over the years and have involved risk on my part. If I summarized what I have learned about loneliness in the last 20-plus years of ministry, I would sum it up in these three points.

Ask God for some close friends. But just asking isn’t enough. Be willing to risk being friendly and allowing people to befriend you. We also need to be wise with what we share with whom. Think about if you are willing to have friends within your church. I was. Did people get jealous? Probably. Did it help to have friends outside of the church? Absolutely! I would say that my closest friends are the ones who are in the same position (their spouses are ministering) and/or they have the same career as I.

Currently, in the mission field, I am surrounded by ladies of many different denominations. I have found these women to be so sharpening in my life. Their walk with the Lord is inspiring and refreshing, as I feel mine is to them.

One of my most recent new close friends is Ida, a lady from the culture where we serve. Our friendship is extremely unique because my language is limited to childlike depth. We laugh together and play with her babies. We cook together, and I teach her how to make American recipes, and she teaches me how to make Indonesian food. Would this friendship alone keep me out of lonely valley? Probably not, because I am limited in not being able to share the depths of my heart, but Ida and I are on such a precious friendship journey together.

Seek people out. When I start to feel lonely, I know that I need to get off my duff, head out my door, and go see someone. Anyone. But especially someone who needs a friend. Tah Dah. There is NOTHING that will cure a case of loneliness like just going out the door and being a blessing to someone. Groan. It can be so hard to do. This is where I go back to point A and ASK for help from God. It beats stuffing my face with food to blot out loneliness or scrolling through Facebook some more (both of which I have found to be completely ineffective in fighting loneliness).

Ida is someone that the Lord often (sometimes daily) nudges me to go and see. Less than one year ago, she lost her two-year-old son to upper respiratory failure. Oh, the grief and sorrow my dear friend has experienced! Many times, I would just go sit with her, and we would just cry, hold each other, and say, “I don’t understand. I don’t understand.” She would always thank me for giving her strength. (Believe me, it was Jesus giving her strength through me.) I knew Ida was beginning to heal when she started to minister to others. SEEK to give strength and friendship to those in need.

Be Kind. As ministerial spouses we “have to” be kind – even if it is a plastered-on, fake kindness. (I’m sure we have all had our moments of wearing this mask.) I want to challenge you that we not only need to be kind to others but also to ourselves – especially in friendships. Hear me out for a minute. There are the friends who equally give and take from us, and then there are the friends who take and take and take, giving very little back. Join me in recognizing these friends for who they are and spending more time with the ones who give and take equally and less with the ones who drain our emotional banks.

My husband often travels, leaving me home alone with our sons. A missionary spouse who is left alone is referred to as a grass widow. For years now, every time my husband leaves, I figuratively put on a grass skirt. It represents humility, vulnerability, and need. Yet, almost at the same time, I whip on my superwoman cape symbolizing super powers and strength as I am left alone in a third world. More and more often I hear Jesus bidding me to lay down my silly figurative garments and allow myself to be clothed with His royal robe of righteousness. He beckons me to spend time being still and filling up my inner soul so that I can be used more effectively for Him. This is all a critical part of kindness.

It amazes me, even in my mid-40s with more friends than I have ever had in my life, that the fingers of loneliness still try to sneak into my life. They love to do it at the oddest moments – when my husband is going away on a long trip, when I fall into the lie trap of thinking, “I am the ONLY person going through this situation.” It slipped in the door when I was a young mom with four little boys at home.

I refuse to partner with this feeling anymore. Sometimes I reach out to a friend if the fingers are closing in, and sometimes I just curl up in a chair with a hot drink and ask Jesus to come and minister to my heart. He is ALWAYS willing and waiting. He is just listening for us to ASK.

Courage to you, my friend, as you face a ministry full of people. Ironically, it can be lonely, but it doesn’t have to be. I do think for most of us that loneliness is more a feeling than a reality. At least this is true for my own life. And there are many articles and research that prove that gazing at social media increases those feelings verses making us feel more connected.  So unfortunately, some of our own new behaviors are becoming our own worse enemy. 

Also, Satan is the father of lies, and he loves to whisper untruths into our souls. For example, “You are so alone right now. No one really cares about you. You will never have a soul mate or a kindred spirit or ...  You are so _____ that no one wants to be your friend.”  If you resonate with any of these phrases, or maybe you’ve thought of other ones, it is important to stop and recognize who that lie came from and break agreement with it. I have learned that often we go along with these ideas and believe them to be true. When, in reality, that is not what the Lord has promised us.

Realistically, there are some of us who are truly lonely and honestly have very few friends. The reasons are too vast to flesh out. Personality, lack of trust, situation, location, and choices are just a few.  It really is a horrible feeling. And I think true loneliness goes on for more than one moment. It rolls into days and weeks. I’ve been there. It was a long valley.

Thoughts for the valley? On a good day, when you’re not feeling so lonely and blue, write down the names of all your true friends – those you care about and who care about you. Then ask the Lord to help you think of all the people you know who need a friend. Write their names down, also. Next, write down places where you could go and minister to lonely people (a nursing home, a hospital waiting room, etc.). And write a reminder to specifically pray that the Lord will bring you a close friend, but that He will also do what He needs to do in you to prepare you for this friend. Perhaps there is someone you need to forgive or some bitterness you need to let go of or some self-hate that you need to work through.

Then when you are feeling especially lonely, you will have this list that will remind you who your friends are and places you can go without having to spend the mental energy to think of those things. Reach out and communicate with one of those people on your list. Don’t make excuses like, “They are too busy for me.”

Recognize that Jesus is pursuing you. Like Hagar, Sarah’s maidservant (Genesis 16), who was ALONE in the wilderness, the Lord showed up. He spoke to her. Jesus desires to commune and show up in our lives. The sooner we understand how real Jesus wants to be to us, the sooner we can dance in glorious joy and strength about many things. Ask the Lord to reveal Himself to you. Allow Him to comfort you. Talk with Him (like as to a friend), and LISTEN to Him in your heart.

Is there a hobby you love to do?  Hiking, writing, kiteboarding, cooking? Try to find a group that gets together and does this activity. Go hang out with them. Some of my sweetest friends are ones that are in groups that I just happened to join. For me they are my exercise group, my mother’s prayer group, and the medical group that I work with. Join more than one thing so that you are exposed to a variety of people and interests.

Meditate on these Scriptures: Isaiah 43:1-5; 2 Timothy 4:16,17; Psalm 91:15; Deuteronomy 31:6. Allow them to penetrate deep in your heart. And pray them to Jesus. He loves to hear His Word spoken back to Him. 

Discussion Questions

1. How do I react when I feel lonely? What are my go-to comforts? Take a moment to evaluate whether or not they really are helping to ease the loneliness or making it worse. Pray about it, and then formulate an action plan that you can turn to when feeling lonely rather than turning to activities that will make you feel worse.

2. What are some of the practical ways that we can cultivate the relationship with Jesus as our best Friend?

3. What have you learned from being lonely that can help you make and nurture friends?

Three Loneliness Busters

by Ruth Boyd