Beautiful Boundaries

by Stephanie Knight

It was a long day at church and I was looking forward to getting home to put on some comfortable clothes and enjoy a good meal. However, before I could do that I needed to gather the children, find my pastoral spouse, and make a mad dash for the car. I soon realized that I wasn’t the only one looking for my husband. Some members inquired of me his whereabouts and I kindly informed them that I was on the same mission as they were. Thinking that would be the end of the conversation, to my surprise, many members gave me messages to share with him when I located him.

Since this was early in our ministry, I wasn’t quite sure how to handle this situation. Would this become a weekly ordeal? What if I forget a message? What if I don’t know the name of the member who gave me the message? These were just a few of the questions that danced around in my head. I thought to myself, “I’m not his administrative assistant.” Then I noticed that my attitude began to change when, week after week, members began to seek me out and give me messages for my husband. My husband also noticed the change in my attitude. After several conversations we were able to get to the bottom of the problem. Although we’re one flesh, I wanted to be seen as an individual and not just an extension of my spouse.

The Plan

We needed boundaries. Personal boundaries provide guidelines regarding what members can expect from their pastor and his or her spouse. When a ministry couple has personal boundaries, it becomes a win-win situation. The congregation and pastoral couple are able to communicate and relate to each other in a more effective way. The following week, I went to church armed with a smile and my newfound boundaries. After the service, a well-intentioned member who asked me to give a message to the pastor for them approached me. I kindly shared with them the best way to ensure that their important message was received by the pastor would be to contact him directly during his office hours or stop by his office and give him the message personally (in writing preferably). It was a new way for some members, however it was well received in time and we lived happily ever after.

Honestly, boundaries can sound harsh but they really are a beautiful thing. They communicate mutual respect for all involved. Boundaries are defined as something that shows where an area ends and another area begins. They indicate a point or limit that shows where two things become different.[1] When we have boundaries with our members it facilitates a healthier relationship. When practiced daily, it can free us from resentment towards our members and spouse. It allows us to clearly state how we can be of service versus the areas outside of our gifting or comfort zone. I would like to recommend a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.[2] It revolutionized my relationships and ministry.

God has boundaries with his people because He loves us. We can benefit from being honest with others and ourselves about what we can do and how we can serve. Keep in mind that we can always reserve the right to make adjustments along the way as our circumstances change as a ministerial spouse and family. Boundaries are one way of showing love for others without forgetting to love ourselves.

[1] Webster’s Dictionary for English Learners.

[2] Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992).