Restoration in Our Family
by Jerry and Janet Page
Creative Conflicts for Caring Couples
by Bernie and Karen Holford
Conflicts are normal. They happen when two very different people grow closer to each other and notice that they have different priorities, beliefs, habits, and values. As A. P. Herbert once said, “The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit that is only to be admired in sheep!”*
But when your differences threaten your closeness, you have a choice. You can fight about them bitterly and hurt each other. Or you can talk about them in constructive ways, learn more about what’s important to each other, and find creative solutions that you both enjoy. Here are some creative ideas for couples in conflict.
Laying peaceful foundations
The more we feel that our partner loves us and cares for us, listens to us, soothes us, puts us first, and has our best interests at heart, the easier it will be to manage conflicts and differences in the relationship. When we don’t feel heard, understood, supported, and cared for, we are more likely to defend our own position and be less likely open to our partner’s suggestions, needs, and ideas.
Doing something every day to help your partner feel loved, supported, respected, appreciated, encouraged, and special will help you to solve your challenges more easily.
Questions to ask before you argue:
Why is this issue bothering me so much?
Am I tired, hungry, or full of strong feelings, and would it be better to sleep, eat, or go for a walk and calm down before we start to talk?
What values and personal beliefs do I have that are being challenged?
How important is this issue? Will it matter in a year’s time? Is this battle worth the damage it might do to our relationship?
If I were in my partner’s shoes, what would I be most concerned about?
What could I do differently that might help the situation, and what positive difference might that make to our relationship?
How can I explain my concerns in a positive and caring way, so that my partner feels happy to help me?
Stay safe
There are plenty of landmines in conflict territory! Here are three dangers to watch out for:
Blame – Avoid blaming each other for the problem. It pushes your partner further into hurt, shame, and distress and makes it harder to work things out.
Walking away – If you need some space to think, don’t just walk out without saying when you’ll come back. This can leave your partner feeling frightened or angry. Say you need some time to think about things properly, and agree on a good time to talk later.
Scorn – Avoid attacking each other’s character or family members. Rude and disrespectful words hurt and wound deeply and stay in our memories for a very long time. Imagine you’re disagreeing with your boss instead of your partner, and you’ll probably find yourself saying things in quite a different way.
One at a time…
Focus on one conflict at a time. Bringing up negative past experiences only distracts you from discussing what’s important now. So make life simpler for yourselves by sticking to one topic.
Share your “problem”
When you describe a problem as “our problem,” rather than “your problem” or “my problem,” you’ll both feel more responsible for working on it together.
Listen to each other
When we argue we don’t listen to each other properly. We’re too busy wondering what we’re going to say next, or we’re too angry and upset to hear what the other person needs to say. Good listening can prevent arguments from escalating out of control.
Try listening to your partner make one point at a time.
Then repeat back what your partner said, simply and warmly, to check you’ve heard correctly: “So you’re saying ... did I get that right?”
Let your partner clarify anything that you may have misunderstood.
Then swap roles so you each have a chance to speak and be heard properly.
Repeat this process, one point at a time, until you’ve heard and understood what you both have to say about the issue.
This process can feel strange at first – so don’t worry if you feel awkward. It’s worth persisting because it feels very good to know you’ve been heard, and that experience alone can lower the heat of the discussion.
Never say never ... always
The phrases: “You never ... !” and “You always ... !” are virtually guaranteed to make any conflict worse because our partners will almost always disagree with us!
Try saying: “Help me to understand why you find it difficult to do such and such ... or why you choose to do such and such.” Your partner is much more likely to respond positively, and it’s really useful to hear his/her side of the story.
Write it down
Each of you, take a large sheet of paper, and divide it into nine numbered rectangles. Label them like this:
I am glad we’re discussing this because ...
This concern is important to me because ...
When I was a child my family managed these concerns by ...
The emotions I feel when I think about this concern are…
The concern we agree to explore is…(Fill in this central square first.)
My past experiences with this kind of concern are ...
From my perspective this concern is affecting our relationship by ...
Some ideas about how we can work together to solve our problem are ...
Something else it would be helpful for you to know is ...
Write in as many rectangles as possible; then swap papers and read each other’s answers. If you have any questions, write them on sticky notes and add them to the page for your partner to answer.
This helps you to get your important points across clearly and simply, without having to argue and fight about them.
Win-win
No one really wins an argument. The winner loses the trust and respect of the loser. The loser loses hope. And sometimes the relationship is lost forever.
When you’re both working toward a mutually beneficial solution, you’re more likely to feel respected, understood, and positive about each other. You may have to be flexible, and you may not get exactly what you hoped for. But it’s better than destroying your relationship.
Ask yourself, “What’s most important here – the issue we’re discussing or our relationship?”
Turning a nag into a polite request
Nagging is probably the least effective way to help a person change his or her behavior! It can make the other person feel defensive, stubborn, and even rebellious! Whenever you feel frustrated, and you want to nag your spouse, stop. Hold it right there and turn it into a polite request. Write down your polite request and practice saying it so that it rolls off the tongue quicker than a nag!
Here’s how to do it:
In this situation (be specific but avoid saying “you”)
When this happens (be specific)
I feel (be specific) (and maybe you feel ...)
And it would really help me if you could do (be specific)
And then I can help you by (be specific)
So, instead of saying, “I can’t believe you left your dirty football uniform in a bag all week! Why on earth didn’t you put it in the laundry hamper!?”
You would say:
“When your dirty football uniform is not put in the laundry hamper to be washed
And it is not clean and ready when you need it again
I feel frustrated (and maybe you do, too)
It would really help me if you would put the uniform in the laundry hamper, or by the washing machine, as soon as you come home from a football game, and then I can help you by making sure that it is clean for your next game.”
Try this kind of positive “nagging,” and see what happens!
Kiss it better quickly
It’s important to apologize quickly after a big argument. You can say you’re sorry. You can write a note or text message, send a card, give flowers or small gifts, hug and comfort each other, do something kind, or show you’re trying to do better, etc. Whatever you do, it’s very important to “kiss and make up” as quickly as possible and to reassure your partner that you still love him/her.
Creating a positive plan
When you’re facing a conflict or a problem, it can help to follow a process.
Listen to each other, or write your ideas down simply and clearly so that you both understand each other’s hopes and concerns and why you are facing a challenge.
Make a list of all your ideas for solving the problem, including some funny ideas. The funny ideas are important, too, because laughter can help your brain to find more creative possibilities.
Have each person rate each idea on a scale of 0-5, where 0 is “I would not even think about doing this,” and 5 is “I think this idea would work very well.”
Add your two ratings together, and the idea with the highest rating is your shared favorite.
Agree to try this idea for a week, as an experiment. Then evaluate it, adjusting it if necessary.
If you had several ideas that scored high, try each of them for a week, and see which one works best or which one you like the best.
Biblical wisdom for couples in conflict
Philippians 2:1-4; James 1:19; Ephesians 4:29, 32; 1 John 4:18; Romans 12:10, 15-16.
*www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/sheep_4.html
Running Late
Discussion Question: What can you do to lower stress levels for yourself and your family on a reoccurring point of disagreement?
Creative Approaches to Problem Solving
by Karen Holford
Forgiveness
By Chaplain Adrienne Townsend Benton
Communications
By Chaplain Adrienne Townsend Benton
