Developing Positive Relationships with Members

by Paula K. Brown

Flowers are beautiful creations of God. They come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes. They grace our homes and churches. They even show up on the job and are a part of many important events – holidays, celebrations, funerals, baby blessings, weddings, birthday parties, etc. We cannot seem to do without them. However, they come with drawbacks, objectional features, and peculiar traits. Some roses have painful thorns, calla lilies turn brown and ugly after a few weeks, orchids are quirky about how much water they want, and bird of paradise plants are extremely fragile and territorial. But we still love flowers because of the aesthetic richness that they bring to our lives despite the issues we must deal with to enjoy them.

Our church members are like flowers. They are the most beautiful creations of God with various characteristics and inescapable needs. Just think – what would our churches be like if we did not have the diversity, distinctiveness, and originality of our members, which make up the very essence of our churches? We love church members and want them around, but we shy away from their difficulties and the effort we must put forth to live with them peaceably. We must strive for peace with one another – a mandate from God’s Word (Mark 9:50).

Establishing positive relationships with church members can prove to be challenging, at the very least. However, a ministerial spouse entering a new church environment may find it exciting and interesting to rise up to meet the challenge.

As a preacher’s kid (PK) who had a wonderful example of a ministerial spouse, my mother, and as a pastoral spouse myself, I have learned a few things about establishing and maintaining positive relationships with church members. No matter where our members are on the spectrum, they have basic needs and expectations (though many times those expectations are unrealistic). If the truth be told, our needs are the same as theirs. We were members before we became ministerial spouses. In this short attempt to give some practical suggestions to ponder, we will look at a few areas that may prove to be helpful in our desire to “just get along” in the place where God has assigned us.

Three things to understand

In my interactions with church members, the Holy Spirit has brought to my attention three important factors that are essential to understanding how to develop healthy, positive relationships:

1. Church members are fallible human beings who need constant forgiveness as they attempt to follow God’s command to work out their own salvation (Philippians 2:12). They may believe that the blood of Christ has cleansed their sins and secured their eternal life, but retraining the human nature is another story. Members must exercise determination, diligence, and perseverance, which take time and patience. This is the struggle that is visible in the form of mistakes and failings. Oswald Chambers stated in his classic devotional, My Utmost for His Highest: “No man is born either naturally or supernaturally with character, he has to make it” (Dodd, Mead & Co., 1935, June 15 reading). We can trust God to do His will in the lives of every member we interact with.

2. Church members desire fellowship. We know this to be true because they take the time to come to church each week seeking God’s Word, participating and associating with other believers, and receiving comfort and care from each other. The Greek concept of koinonia – companionship and an experience of community in a unified body – is a necessity for our members.

3. Church members require church to be a safe place. They want to believe that their sensitive and painful issues can be kept in trust and confidentiality. They do not want to sign any confidentiality documents or such, but at times they simply need a catharsis that only requires a listening ear and a closed mouth. No human judgments necessary and no criticism allowed.

Positive relationships

In light of church members’ needs and our call to ministry as ministerial spouses, it is appropriate to say that we need each other. Church relationships should be interactions filled with encouragement and support (Hebrews 10:14-25). We should find ourselves in prayer and study together. Playing and socializing together is also necessary. Honest dialogue and balanced collaboration should be our best commodities. Making the community a priority and sharing in giving service to others will help make a complete picture of what God’s house should look and feel like.

Let us explore the qualities God has given us to become effective relationship builders.

• Authenticity – Members will be naturally drawn to us when we are authentic. Knowing and understanding our strengths and weakness can translate into strong leadership. Authenticity gives us the confidence and the freedom to interact with fellow members within the realm of our God-given purpose. It gives us the ability to consider the ideas and feelings of others. We will find ourselves focusing on possibilities and opportunities for relationship building. It helps us realize we may lose some battles but ultimately win the war. The quality of authenticity helps us become relationship oriented, reflective, and transparent. It will help members to trust us and be more likely to follow our leadership.

• Vulnerability – Vulnerability is a characteristic that comes straight out of Calvary’s playbook. Being willing to give even when it hurts is a risk that comes with relationship building. Christ was willing to lay down His life for mankind. He died so that we could establish a relationship with the Father. In the same manner, we die for our church members/friends (1John 3:16). Not physically, but we die to criticism, negative attitudes, unrealistic expectations, superiority, and judgment to bring our church relationships in harmony with heaven’s principles. Vulnerability puts us on the same level as our members. It helps them see our humanity and realize we are like them.

• Genuine Kindness – There is something magical about genuine kindness – being friendly, generous, and considerate without ulterior motives. We all know that it represents the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, which makes us sensitive to others’ needs. When members sense we care about them, they will begin to trust us and know we are reliable friends.

God has equipped us to build and develop positive, harmonious relationships in the churches we serve. Determination and diligence will be our taskmasters to keep us focused and relationship driven. Remember, we are never alone in this endeavor (Hebrews 13:5). Let us keep Christ in our view and never forget to adhere to the Matthew 11:28 call for the answer to all our questions, frustrations, and confusion in working with His people. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” (NLT).

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. What practical steps can I take to make church members feel safe in confiding in me?

2. How can we be nonjudgmental when dealing with church members that may be promoting opposite agendas?

3. How should I react when a church member shares rumors/information about another member?

4. A pastoral family is often viewed by the church members as being somewhat exemplary. Is it possible to be too vulnerable? If so, what and how much should I share with church members?

Hospitality: What I Didn’t Learn from Martha Stewart

by Eileen Gemmell

If your house is like ours, there are piles of brightly colored magazines like Martha Stewart’s Living, Better Homes and Gardens, and This Old House. They tell us how to make our homes more beautiful and our food more delicious, as well as how to impress guests when they come over. Some of my favorite television shows are on HGTV, the Food Network, and Create. I’m hooked on websites like allrecipes.com, where people can share their good ideas about entertaining. But when I step back and consider, I realize that Martha Stewart and her cronies really haven’t come close to addressing what really matters when it comes to having an open home.

I like to imagine what it would be like if Martha were to sit down with some of the Bible writers and debate with them about true hospitality. In Jewish thought, hospitality is rooted in the concept of the Almighty, who “loves the sojourner” (Deuteronomy 10:18) and who said to the Israelites, “You shall not wrong a sojourner or oppress him, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt” (Exodus 22:21).

Not only is hospitality a fundamental expression of Jewish faith, but hospitality also played a part in the early Christian faith. Paul links the idea of “brotherly love” to “hospitality” in Romans 12:10-12. If hospitality is so central to biblical faith, why do we struggle to express it today?

Perhaps fear constricts our ability to express brotherly love. Many people put inviting people over right up there with public speaking as one of their biggest fears. And instead of calming our fears, the piles of home improvement magazines and trips to Home Depot only amplify them. Maybe we should stop and look our fears in the face.

Top Five Fears

Fear #5: We fear what people will think.

“Will they think I’m a slob?”

“Will they notice that I didn’t have time to clean the bathroom?”

“Will they think I’m a bad cook?”

“Will they think I’m too cheap, lazy, or plain?”

We’ve all had these thoughts – I know I have, but when I focus on this fear, my mindset moves the spotlight to me instead of them. Then I can’t really get to know my guest, I can’t relax and enjoy the visit, and I forget what my goal really is: to love them into our family and to use our home to build God’s kingdom.

Last Thanksgiving we invited a random mix of people over to our house. After they left, it occurred to me that I hadn’t cleaned our powder room. For a minute I thought, “Oh no! I wonder what they thought of me!” Then I chuckled as I remembered a poster I recently saw: “Excuse our mess – we LIVE here.” I hope they felt like they were in a normal home with people who aren’t perfect and who sometimes just don’t have time to get the toilets cleaned!     

Fear #4: We fear it will take a lot of work.

Working full time, volunteering at church and in the community, exercising, and doing household chores leave little time for all the work it takes to entertain. Cleaning the house till it sparkles, cooking gourmet meals, and creating a fantastic centerpiece for the table take a whole lot of time. But wait a minute; is that really what people expect and what we should expect of ourselves?

I find that people seem to have the best time at our house when they’re sharing in the work. I love it when guests ask, “How can I help?” I ALWAYS find something for them to do, regardless of age or gender. If they don’t ask, I try to find some assignment for them, so they can participate in the experience rather than just being an observer. Sometimes I hand them a broom, give them a head of lettuce to chop, or have them set the table. That’s when they really invest themselves into the experience of being in our home.

I’ve had countless guests thank me for trusting them enough to let them help. Food brings people together and so does the preparation of food. When I open our home with this mindset, it offsets the fear that I need to do all the work all by myself.

Fear #3: We fear it will take a lot of money.

When grocery costs climb faster than paychecks, cupboards don’t overflow with extra food. How can we afford to have company over if we barely have enough food for our own family?

I’ve discovered some creative ways to eat and share our home while on a tight budget. I try to assign people parts of the meal. Pasta primavera, baked potato bar, crepes, sloppy joes, and haystacks are all super inexpensive meals in which people can get involved. Some can bring the veggies, some the salad or dessert, so no one is spending much money or doing a lot of work. The meal is more manageable, and people are happy to contribute.

I’ve found that God seems to do just what He did many years ago on that hillside with the loaves and fishes. He works it out that we always have enough food, and we’ve never gone into debt because of our grocery bill. Sometimes every serving dish was scraped clean, but everyone was fed. Opening our home doesn’t require wealth but a willingness to be real with people. And this brings me to the next fear.

Fear #2: We fear they’ll find out something bad about us.

Guests who come to our house are free to look at our books, our pictures, our kitchen cabinets, and our medicine cabinets. If they see offensive items, we could be embarrassed or they could judge us.

When we open our homes to people, we’re making ourselves completely vulnerable to them. I just expect that this will happen and place books in our bookcases that I’ve really enjoyed and would love to lend out. I put items in our powder room medicine closet that I suspect they may need: band-aids, Tylenol, dental floss, and a little bag of feminine products. When we invite them in, we give them permission to know us, and we really don’t have any secrets. That’s where intimacy starts. My biggest hope? That they’ll find Jesus here – and take Him with them.

Fear #1: We fear they’ll never leave. 

What’s really exciting is when they don’t want to leave because they’re having such a great time. We find it exhilarating to see a group of random people who’ve never met before find a thread of commonality and exchange contact information, promising to connect again. We love to see them working as a team to build an incredible salad, or trying to figure out how to make crepes, or participating in an “assembly line” to move wood up our 53 stairs from our forest floor. They create or accomplish something amazing! Together!

We like to think that, in a way, they’ll never leave. We have an “art wall” and ask our guests to contribute something – a picture, good words, their name, something that will remind us of them!

Of course, since we treat our guests like family, when it’s bedtime, we go to bed and invite them to stay as late as they want, but we ask them to turn the lights out and lock the door when they leave.

Martha Stewart is truly an amazing woman. She’s resilient, creative, and courageous, but she has yet to experience the joy of biblical hospitality. I’m sure she’s missed out on some of the blessings we’ve experienced: the gift of watching our family “grow,” of using our home as a hub of influence, of being a place where our world can expand as we hear other life stories. But the very best thing about opening our old imperfect home is to be able to have front-row seats as people make decisions for God.

Additional blessings that we’ve found in having a “landing pad” for people:

1. Our family has grown. We’ve met people from all over the world, embraced them into our home, given them privilege and responsibilities. Some of the privileges of being in our family are love, acceptance, food, warmth, fellowship, support, and a listening ear. Responsibilities include setting the table, helping with food preparation, and even cleaning up.

2. We have opportunities for influence. We’ve hosted worship teams on a regular basis, which enhanced our ability to lead the group to cohesiveness in pursuing the tall order of planning weekly worship services. When “trouble-makers” are invited over for a meal, cold hearts soften.

3. We can inspire others. One young physician, who spent Sabbath with us, was perplexed about how we entertain. I explained to him my wacky philosophy, which made a lot of sense to him. He recently approached me with a big smile, saying that he and his wife have decided that they aren’t going to wait until they have their house decorated, remodeled, and perfectly clean – they’re going to start bringing people home now! The smile on his face made its way to my heart!

4. We introduce people to new experiences. We had several couples over one Saturday night – and I told them all to bring their favorite aprons. Well, of course the men thought I meant the women, but I had predicted that, so I had picked up some $2.99 aprons on sale at Ikea. I put the aprons on them when they came in the door. They grumbled a little as I gave out assignments: the men had to figure out how to cook crepes via some YouTube research, while the women found a recipe (online) and got started. While the men were swirling the batter and flipping crepes, the women were making fillings (sweet and savory). When we sat down to eat, everyone RAVED about the food. You would think this group had never had decent food before! When they finally left, one of the gruffest men commented on how much fun he’d had!

5. Sometimes our guests get a chance to have a part in something BIG. We’ve watched guests support each other, pray for each other, participate in artwork for our home, shovel our elderly neighbors’ driveway, and even split wood for our wood stove.

Sweet Home

by Eileen Gemmell