I am a nurse by profession. However, four boys and years of homeschooling consumed many of my pre-forty years. As thechildren began to go off to high school my world changed. No longer was I “just” a stay-at-home Mom and a spouse of someone in ministry, but I was highly sought after and respected as a nurse in a third world country where the local medical care was substandard at best. I thrived in my new adult world.
Then the email arrived. It asked if we would consider putting our names in a hat to move us to acompletely different part of the world. I looked at my pastoral spouse with raised eyebrows and a face that spoke volumes, but the underlying questions were: “Why?” and “Really, now?” The name in the hat,
soon turned into a Zoom interview and before I knew it, we were on an airplane for the vision trip to the MiddleEast. I began to really struggle with the thought of having to give up my much-loved job, and all my deep friendships and patients. There was little hope that I would be able to serve as a nurse in our new country.
Despite my whining, kicking, floundering, and questioning, God made it very plain that this move was indeed His will. My spouse was chosen, and the call was confirmed. He was so excited about his new upcoming role. It had distinct boundaries andclear-cut rules and tons of leadership opportunities and was honestly, the perfect fit for him.
My inward struggle
A month later I found myself at a medical conference and in a small discussion group. The leader asked, “How would you feelif God asked you to lay down your medical career to serve Him?” This question unraveled me. It taunted me. It sent me to seek outa counselor who was present at the meetings.
Meanwhile, it is important to note that my spouse was concerned for me and the dramatic change that this move wouldplace on me. He wished that it was different. He felt optimistic that some doors would open regarding my fulfillment. Reluctantlybut willingly, I began the process of selling and giving our furniture away and packing what must transition with us.
During the summer, the church we attended on vacation sang the same hymn each week. It continued to jab at this rawwound of letting go of my role as a nurse. Read verses three and four of “Live out thy Life Within Me,” no. 316:
Its members every moment, Held subject to Thy call, Ready to have Thee use them, or not be used at all (“What?” I inwardly would scream) Held without restless longing, or strain, or stress, or fret (Not where I’m at, dear Lord) Be Thou the glorious answer, To all my questionings.
But restful, calm, and pliant, From bend and bias free (Sigh, not here yet either Lord)
Awaiting Thy decision, When Thou hast need of me (Oh, what if you never need me as a nurse again, Lord?)
“Our move happened; strenuously pulling up eight years of long roots of friendships and investment.”
Live out Thy life within me, O Jesus King of Kings! Be Thou the glorious answer, to all myquestionings.
Moving forward despite the struggle
Our move happened; strenuously pulling up eight years of long roots of friendships and investment. We landed in our new country just a few weeks ago of me writing this. Meanwhile, words keep coming to me. Words that challenge this change. A change that proudly resists just being known as “Pastor So and So’s Spouse”. My mother shared with me alesson she learned: “You can’t create your own cross … or choose the way you can best serve God.” A powerful sermon ina sentence.
As I grieve what we have left behind and push through each day without much specific direction or aim, I talk with theLord. I let Him know my pain. I ask for fulfillment in the day and for ways that I can minister and encourage others, even if itis not with my nursing hat on. I try to be joyful as I homeschool my two remaining high school sons (a hat that I neverthought I would put on again).
My heart truly is to serve Him. I do believe that He put the love of nursing in my heart and will one day use me in that capacity again. However, for now, my life and actions show that I am willing to lay that part of me down and to wait to seeif the Lord will choose to use me in that area again or not. Hopefully, my prideful heart will soon catch up with my actionsand allow the Lord to use this experience to tenderly cut away the things in my heart that need removing.
I fear that I am not alone in these selfish struggling feelings against change. I know that often our talented pastoralspouses are sought after and there is no provision or immediate answers to what we, the spouse can or will do. It is thenature of our callings.
I cling to this promise found in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who loveHim, who have been called according to His purpose” (NIV). I also cling to the fact that the Lord LOVES me and you withsuch tender beautiful love and that His plans are often delightfully and surprisingly gorgeous. Sometimes when we stare at the pieces of our lives up close, we can’t see the intricate beauty of His plan, but when we step back, we’ll see the gorgeousmosaic that He is creating. And so, I wait, and I am making
it my prayer: “Live out Thy life within me, O Jesus King of Kings. Be Thou the glorious answer to all my questionings.”
A Six-month update
I am happy to report that my heart has settled much. I still resonate with all I wrote but I see that God has gifted me with this time of being with our two youngest sons before they leap from the nest this summer. I have also been able to focus on working on my master’s in nursing education, and much more exciting is that I amslowly learning about nursing in the Middle East. There is a strong possibility that I will teach nursing at a University here inBeirut, while
working on a PhD. It has also been a precious experience to travel more with my husband and support his work, ministering to the women. There is also a vast number of foreign nurses that work in Saudi Arabia and I have had the honor to begin to hear theirstories and encourage them. Another source of great joy is trying to help encourage refugees as they struggle from day to day.
While my heart still flounders sometimes at all the change and leaving behind a land and job I loved, I try daily to praise theOne who knows me best and is equipping me for new adventures.
Reflection Questions
1. I can relate with this experience: but for me it is different, and these are the things that I am feeling or have felt about the changes I have gone through because of my spouse’s work:
2. This is what I have learned and what I am learning:
3. I long to be able to:
Ruth Boyd is a nurse, writer, mother of four sons (two of whom she is home-schooling), and wife of oneadventure-loving field president in the Middle East and North African Union of Seventh-day Adventists. They livein Beirut, Lebanon.